2/24/12

I wrote this to my dad 4 months before I graduated from BYU:

Dear Dad,

I'm sorry I haven't responded to your valentines letter. In fact, I
haven't been good about responding to many of your kind letters. Just
know that I love you, and appreciate all of your counsel.

The past few months (years, even) have been very difficult for me.
Don't worry, I haven't made any grievous errors. I'm chaste in my
interactions with young women, I keep the word of wisdom, and I'm
trying to practice Christlike virtues every day. I do not plan on
deviating from that course. I just haven't been able to overcome
lingering doubts about the church. (You may be tempted to immediately
blame Kolby or other friends for this letter, but the actual impetus
is simply my desire for full disclosure with you.) Before my mission,
I searched out ways to vindicate the church. I read the Book of
Mormon, and prayed to know whether it was true. I prayed to be
forgiven of my sins. My prayers were, I feel, very sincere. I wanted
answers, and I was even biased about the kinds of answers I wanted.
While I have had spiritual experiences, none of them have been in
direct connection with my desire to know the truth of the Book of
Mormon, or to be forgiven of my sins. However, I assumed that I need
not worry, since God answers in His own time and in His own way.
Therefore, I always assumed that the spiritual experiences I've had
were simply a delayed response from Heavenly Father, and they must
somehow be connected with the fundamental things I wanted to know and
feel. I felt the spirit very strong at EFY when I was singing with
other youth. I felt it strongly when singing with the Mesa High choir.
I felt it when bearing testimony at the end of my mission. But none of
those times filled the void that wanted a much deeper, abiding
testimony. When I was 18, I came across a website called
whyprophets.com. A member of the church created it to personally share
his testimony. He very logically and systematically explained the
church, and I felt reassured of the things I was about to go teach on
my mission. A short while later, I found the website had been deleted,
and I was redirected to a new website from the same man. He had since
left the church, and his new website countered every point he had
previously made. I was shaken. I realized that my logical conversion
was insufficient, and sought earnestly for spiritual confirmation. I
left on my mission, confident that you and mom were supporting me
100%, but wondering why Heavenly Father seemed less than enthusiastic
about answering my petitions.

While on my mission, I was told to use certain scriptures in Preach My
Gospel to illustrate church doctrines. However, I felt that many of
the verses were taken out of context, like using Acts 3:21 about the
"restitution of all things" to explain the restoration of the church,
even to justify the practice of polygamy. Also 1 Cor. 15:40 was used
to explain the 3 degrees of glory, but only after Joseph inserted "and
bodies telestial." I feel the same as the member that made this
comment on the subject:

"I have always been a bit bothered by the word. Especially the forced
parallel between celestial, terrestrial, and telestial with “the sun,
the moon, and the stars.” Given that celestial doesn’t mean sun,
terrestrial certainly doesn’t mean moon, and telestial is a made up
word so it doesn’t mean stars any more than it means anything else I
have felt that the “Mormon” and especially the JST reading 1 Cor 15 is
very problematic. It doesn’t seem to me that Paul is making an
argument for exactly three kingdoms of glory. Rather he is talking
about the difference between a mortal body and a resurrected one. As
Mormons we tend to lose that reading in favor of using this passage as
some sort of proof of a three leveled afterlife."

I felt that whoever decided to use these scriptures as support for the
church was having to really stretch the true meaning of the scriptures
to do so. I spent my mission omitting some of these scriptures from
the lessons. I also could not figure out why Jesus, as the Old
Testament Jehovah, would command the Israelites to slaughter men,
women and children, and stone to death Sabbath violators. While I can
find some scriptural support for the idea that Jesus and Jehovah are
one in the same, the narrative describes two different people.

Despite all these setbacks, I felt that whatever I was going through,
I would find out in the end that the church is true, and any
shortcomings were my own. When Kolby began sharing that he felt the
church is not true, I thought he was off track, and I fully expected
to counter each point he made. The sources he is reading are not
anti-mormon, but rather have been from many faithful members who have
since been censured or excommunicated for fully disclosing church
history. That disturbs me. I cannot reconcile many of the things he
has shared with me. I went to my bishop to get these things off my
chest. I told him I can't figure out how Jesus and Jehovah are the
same, and I can't understand how to reconcile BH Robert's research on
the Book of Mormon, questions I've had before talking with Kolby. He
told me of a young man who was once in his office with a very dark
countenance, and suggested that if I keep pursuing the answers to
these questions that I would wind up just like that young man. I
suddenly recalled the preacher in the restoration video, speaking to
Joseph, saying that if he kept speaking of such things, he would
experience coldness and darkness all of his life. The meeting bothered
me. Instead of acknowledging that there are indeed some complex issues
in the scriptures, and trying to address my questions, he brushed them
aside, and suggested I was doing something wrong. I admit I don't read
my scriptures, attend the temple, pray, serve, and think perfectly,
but I scheduled the appointment to discuss other things, and
immediately the discussion turned to my character flaws.

I never felt like talking about my doubts, and my spiritual turmoil,
because I thought it would disappoint you and mom, and all the other
church members I associate with. I really want to know whether you
have experienced similar things, and how you have overcome and
reconciled them. I welcome your thoughts, counsel, and even rebuke,
but know that I have been rebuking myself quite well since my youth,
and would enjoy some real dialogue.

Love,
J. D.